Perception

When I look back on my childhood, I can’t help but consider it the happiest time of my life. The innocence, family time and endless hours playing video games is something that just doesn’t happen these days. I remember my brother asking me one day when I was about 7 how much I reckoned a house would cost to buy. “Maybe around 80, depending on the house?” I reponded genuinely. Sure the Mewtew toy I wanted for ages was only a 5er. Surely a house wouldn’t be more than 16 times the value of that? Little did I know..

My point is that at the time, I had no idea how happy I really was. I just went along with it, never appreciated it and things bothered me all the time. I feel like I never really enjoyed it.

I’m scared that the same will happen in future. Or God forbid, is even happening now. How do we know when we reach our happiness? Will we stop to appreciate it? I’m terrified that I won’t.

Last year, for example, I wasted my life away constantly wishing that I could at last break free from home life and move away to college. Yet now that I’m in college, it’s fairly shit. A part of me longs to be back at school- surrounded by my friends every day, the comfort of not having to worry about bills, the craic at dinner with my family. How did I miss all this at the time?

I wonder if things were really as good as they seem. After all, it’s all about perception. At the time you might think something is just awful, but you hadn’t realised just how awful things are elsewhere.

The point I’m making may be slightly confused. What I’m trying to say is – don’t wish your life away. Try and appreciate what you have in the now. No matter how better things may become, or may have been in the past. There is a part of you somewhere in the future that will long to have the opportunities and comforts that you have now.

“Live the life you love.” (This is a personal joke that literally no one will get as I’ve kept this blog anonymous. But it made me laugh so that’s all that matters) 

🙂

Whiney Rant

I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything has literally gone to shit. I wish there was an instant fix to make everything better but I know there never will be and it tears me up inside. 

It’s always the same. Things look better for a while and I become really optimistic but the optimism never lasts and I let myself down all over again. I don’t know why I won’t allow myself to have happiness. It’s like I’m in a constant battle with myself.

I just want someone to hug me and tell me that it’s going to be okay. But any time someone asks me if I actually am okay, I am never honest. What am I supposed to say?  “Actually I’m terrible. I hate myself. Nothing you can say will fix this.” That’s not the response you’re supposed to give. That’s not what they were looking for. And worst of all, I’m scared if I did say something like that, I’d only get away with it once. I need to save it for when I’m at my lowest. But how will I ever know when that is going to be? Each time it feels like I can’t get any lower, it does.

I do admit to my friends that I’m having difficulties. But I don’t want to be “that girl” who complains constantly about how depressed she is and how much she hates her life. Who wants to be friends with a dramatic complainer? They RARELY approach me with things like this, it shouldn’t be a one-way street. That’s not what friendship is about. Anyway, I have no reason to feel like this, because really, my life is okay. I’m not rich or pretty and I’ve got no love interest and I’ve made a complete mess of certain things but in the big scheme of things I know this is not a big deal. There are people out there fighting for their life. Why don’t I appreciate mine? 

I feel like having someone who depends on me would give my life more purpose. I have friends that I literally do not know where I would be without them, but I’ve never got the opportunity to help them the same way. I feel like everyone values me less than I value them. I seem to think and worry more than most people. I wish I could just not give a fuck about anything but instead I give a fuck about everything, yet can’t seem to do anything about it.

I feel like all my willpower is gone. Are we given a limit? I have worked so hard in the past. Giving up shitty foods, taking on strenuous exercise, putting loads of effort into academics. Of course all of that has long since fallen by the wayside. But I feel like I was so motivated back then, that I can never get motivated again now. As if I’ve used up my limit. My self-control is gone now. It’s like someone else has power over me and they are making me do all the worst things for me.

I’m so frustrated. I wish I could express it but I just can’t. I want to cry but the tears won’t even come anymore. I wish I had some control.

Is this how it feels to be depressed?

I have never been diagnosed with depression, but there is definitely something up with me. It’s gotten so much worse recently. I wish I would explain it.

Everything is shit today, and with no good reason. I almost wish something terrible would happen so I would have an excuse for moping around.

I had been feeling shitty for ages but decided to turn my life around, and things are finally looking hopeful. I thought this would be the end of the days spent crying in bed.

But when I woke up today I just knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. All I felt was sad and fat. The only escape being a quick snooze every few hours.

A friend invited me to go out for drinks tonight but I declined. She then asked if I’d rather get a chinese and sit in. I don’t know why, but I still didn’t want to and said no. Even though I really miss her and want to see her. It doesn’t make sense. I’m scared I will lose everyone I care about if I continue on this way but I just don’t feel like talking to anyone.

At 9 o’ clock this evening, I finally got out of bed and went for a shower. Whilst in the shower, I couldn’t get the temperature right. (our shower works fine). I couldn’t even stand in the cold and when I changed it to one setting warmer it scalded me so much I cried. There was a brief moment of relief during the transition from cold to hot, just tempting me as to what it should feel like.
At the minute this is how I feel about my life. I can’t strike a balance. It’s all or fucking nothing and I just feel like shit. Today I can’t even find the brief moment of relief. I just want to be numb. 

I thought getting dressed and going for a walk might help. But I looked so fat and physically disgusting in any outfit I tried on. I look at my stomach purging over my tracksuit bottoms. Surely I wasn’t this fat yesterday? I don’t think so. Maybe my perception is out of whack? Or am I just saying that to look for an excuse? 

I’m gonna go for the walk anyway. I can’t sit here crying any longer.

Fatties

As someone who can’t quite decide if I’m overweight or not (I definitely am) , I find it confusing and awkward to hear others fat-bashing.

On one hand, they do have a point. It is unattractive to be fat. As much as I wish this wasn’t true, it is. In fact if I could have just one wish in the whole entire world it would be to be effortlessly skinny. I know that sounds extremely vain, and I am not even a vain person.

Being around people who bash take the piss out of fat people makes my self-esteem plummet to the ground. Should I apologise for being fat? Should I give out to them? Should I take it as a compliment that I don’t fall under their determination of what fat is? Or do I take it personally, assume it’s an indirect insult to me, go red, stay quiet and hate myself?

Just yesterday one of my friends was driving a group of us around and we happened to drive past runners doing some kind of race, when one of the boys was like “How is she right at the front? She’s big like!”. I looked at the poor girl. She wasn’t big, not even kind of. She was probably a size 10/12. And even if she was big, why make fun of her? Fair play to her for being in first, regardless of her size. Why try and take that away from her?

Above I referred to the girl’s clothes size out of necessity but in general I hate doing that. It’s almost as if the smaller the size, the more value we have as people. Or so one would be led to believe. Women and men alike should never be judged on what size any part of their physical appearance is. It causes one’s self-image to rise or plummet completely irrelevantly.

Then later last night, back at the house, we were creeping on old photos of people who were in our school years ago.
Can I just state first of all that I hate my legs. I despise them. My thighs are MASSIVE and no matter how hard I try to trim them down they just wont. Exercise makes my calves get bigger too, so there honestly is no winning. I will never have nice legs as I just wasn’t programmed that way.
So anyway, we’re looking through the photos. Come across one of a group of girls. Que the “Oh my God, X’s legs are huge! I’d say 2 of Y’s legs would be the same size as one of X’s”… this was coming from a boy. I had no idea they thought like this too. Infact I thought it was just me who thinks like this. Do people go around comparing the size of my legs to other people’s? Maybe that’s why I can’t find a boyfriend. Maybe that’s why I’m not cool or popular. Maybe that’s why no one takes me seriously.

In fairness, these people probably don’t realise they are doing it. For them, maintaining a healthy weight is easy, something they don’t even have to think about, so they don’t understand or even realise that this just isn’t the case for everyone. Whether it be eating disorders, bad genes or simply lacking the motivation and requirements to achieve a healthy weight. Some people aren’t ready for the challenge. Some people are midway through the challenge and even though they may have put in months of work, they are still dismissed as a size 14.

I’m not sure where I stand. When I was finally ready for the challenge, I jumped in too deep. Calorie counting excessive exercising yada yada yada you know the drill. Dropped 3 all-important dress sizes in 3 months. Fab. Hated life, felt crap so went back to old ways. Put on weight again, felt crap. Lost it again, got obsessed, felt crap. Stopped again, felt crap. 

Still trying to find the happy medium. Mybe this fatty-bashing will motivate me to lose weight?

The Stuff of Nightmares

What comes to mind when you hear the word “nightmare”? Now I’m not talking about the “nightmare” that was the 1200 world Medieval Literature assignment that was due last week, or even the “nightmare” hangover after 6 too many shots of Jager the night previous. I’m talking about the word in a literal sense – a terrifying dream.

Some of us may recall upon that scary dream you had after watching “Scream” as a child, where that face appears and the only comfort is to be had upon waking up and invading mammy’s bed to be assured that it’s “just a bad dream”. You may be freaked out for a while, but then you come to your senses again and drift back into a peaceful sleep. It was only a dream after all.

Ever woken up after a dream and tried to get out of bed, only to find that, wait a minute, YOU CAN’T MOVE. You try to scream for help but no sound comes out. You feel like you’re crying but no tears are being made. It’s as if you’re stuck to the mattress.
And then you notice it. There’s an intruder in the room. Perhaps they’re hiding under that pile of clothes you left lying in the corner, you can just see a set of eyes leering at you. Next thing you know, the unwanted hag is sitting on your chest and you can’t breathe.

This is called Sleep Paralysis. It might not sound too bad but if it’s ever happened to you, you’ll know what I’m talking about.
The exact scenario often varies, but as a frequent “sufferer”, I’ve pretty much seen it all at this stage. Hanging men, animals, ghosts, zombies, car crash victims. You get the idea. The worst part about this kind of “nightmare” is that it takes place while you’re half awake, never too sure if it’s real or not. The best advice I can give is to just try and relax when it happens and know that it will pass. Easier said than done of course!

Now onto something less petrifying. Have you ever had a dream where you’ve become aware that you’re dreaming? Most of us have experienced this at some point. Obviously it depends on the nature of the dream, but I usually find this more frustrating than frightening. However there are a number of tricks to check if it’s really a dream or not. Try checking the clock- what time is it? 4 o’ clock, grand. Okay now check it again. 9:21.

I have to be in class in half an hour! Oh no wait, you’re dreaming. Clocks become absolute nonsense in dreams, so if the time changes rapidly, you know you’re asleep. Another trick is to turn the lights on and off. If it doesn’t work you’re in dreamland because our not-so-smart minds can’t process the lighting of an entire room.

The easiest way to confirm your awakeness is to look in the mirror, but I wouldn’t recommend this unless you truly have balls of steel. In the land of the zzzz’s, your reflection will be altered, often hideously. You could have 8 fingers, a ghoul’s face, or no eyeball sockets. This is not as entertaining as it may sound; your weary state will believe that this is truly you!

Sometimes you can get lucky though. If dreaming when you know you’re asleep is happening to you a lot, you might just be the perfect candidate for a bit of lucid dreaming. This is fun, I promise!
Once aware that you are indeed, asleep, instead of attempting to wake yourself, chill for a minute and realise that this is your dream and you have the power to control it. Want to fly? Fly then! Or at least jump from the top of a building and fall. You don’t have to worry about getting hurt, once you realise that you are in your own safe hands, you can try all the things you “dream” of doing when awake.

This takes a lot of practice, trial, and error. But do not be afraid to try. Unfortunately after two years of attempting to control my dreams, all I’ve sucessfully done is 1) Woke myself up and 2) Been able to change the music on my iPod while asleep.

And then of course, some of us don’t dream at all, or at least don’t realise they do. I kind of envy them.

Blog

I’m getting so happy and excited about the idea of having a blog that I’m writing silly and useless things for no reason.

I have nothing relevant to say.

Actually I have plenty of relevant things to say I just don’t feel like articulating them right now.
But I still want to write.

Maybe I’m lazy. Or annoying. Or stupid.

Yet here I am rambling away.
I’m definitely just annoying.

Times like these I think I shouldn’t have made the blog anonymous. Then I’d care more about sounding like a fool.

But I didn’t. Here I am.

A fool.

Thoughts

Sitting in the library. Exam tomorrow. People probably reading this over my shoulder.

Procrastination. Scrúdú Gaeilge. Reidh go leor. Fonn orm an Ghaeilge a labhairt. Scríobhfaidh mé alt as Gaeilge go luath cinnte.

In the meantime my tummys full of burger. It was yum. Procrastination.

Only had one fag today. Progress. 

Last few days in Galway. Relief.

Writing short sentences. Tired.

Bedtime soon. Get up early.

No one’s gonna read this. Bothered?

Laughter

Laughter is so funny when you think about it. Why do we make a stupid giggle when we find something amusing? If you want to know the answer to this I can assure you, you are in the wrong place. I know nothing about the science of laughter.

I do, however, know that it’s undoubtedly the best way ever to pass the time. When something is funny, we laugh. We can clearly see the word “fun” right there in “funny”. Laughing so obviously makes us enjoy ourselves. It’s so much fun.

I know you already know this. In the unlikely event that anyone is reading this, I wish not to undermine you.

I instead simply wish to remind you the simple importance of laughing and funniness in general. Please do not forget. Please appreciate and be grateful for it. When was the last time you laughed? If you can’t remember or it was upwards of 30 seconds ago, it has been too long. Go remind yourself of the joy of it. There’s so many ways. Think back on something funny that happened 10 years ago or 10 minutes ago. Maybe a witty quip a friend came up with. An inside family joke. If even the worst joke in the worst movie ever (Cheaper by the Dozen 2) has the ability to give you the chuckles, by all means let it.

But more importantly, if you have someone in your life who can make you laugh, now I mean REALLY make you piss your knickers while laughing your way to a 6 pack, you have struck gold. Keep them forever. No excuses. Sharing a sense of humour is honestly a magical bond, and to lose that? Well it would be no laughing matter.

Bréaga

Níl tú ag insint bréaga ach duit féin.

Mistakes

Mistakes are actually the greatest thing in the world, for the simple reason that we learn from them. I know we’ve all heard this before but I’m only realising this now.

At the tender age of 18, I have made some pretty terrible mistakes in my life. The worst of all was without a doubt throwing away my entire first year in college to pursue a life of  heavy drinking, wreckless lovemaking, drugs,  and lying on my ass. Sounds kind of fun doesn’t it?

Sometimes it was. I’m not going to lie, there were some moments where I genuinely believed I was “loving life” and that this path of constant partying and never going into college was the way to go. I began to convince myself that ‘taking it easy’ is what I should have been doing all along and there was no call for me to have ever worked hard to achieve my goals, past or present. My ambitions steadily diminished from wanting to conquer the world to simply wanting to drink myself stupid to have a funny story the next day.

Day by day, I thought I was having the craic. There were moments when I wondered to myself what on earth I was doing. “It’s college, everyone parties” I silenced myself and continued to guiltily miss my week’s lectures to sit on the sofa stuffing my face with takeaway.

It wasn’t just academics. The last few years had been an uphill challenge to maintain a healthy weight but I always kept it under control for the mostpart. However, the newfound “college” version of myself didn’t care for control and I really did “let myself go”. Again I told myself that I was happier without the confinements of healthy diet and regular exercise, but how could I ever have been happy when I spent the whole time worrying about things and lying to myself?

I lost complete respect for my body. I had sex with anyone, just to feel a connection.

I lost respect for my mind too, and my identity. The scariest part of all is that I tried to pass off this behaviour as being me. I could have easily lost some of the most important people in the world to me by the fact that I was no longer being the person I used to be, the person they knew. It terrifies me to think of it to be honest,

 

I don’t know what it was that made me realise what I’d been doing. When you’re living through an experience or a phase, it’s very hard to see what is actually going on. For me, I just suddenly stepped out of the picture and was like “who on earth are you trying to be?” and that’s just the thing. No one should ever “try to” be something that they aren’t. There’s a reason for the cliché.

But aye. Last year was a mistake. Cinnte. Gan dabht. I regret it.

But in a way there is nothing better that could have happened. It made me really appreciate who I am and what I have and what I stood to lose. I am so grateful of it all now.

 

Not saying I’m a saint or anything, but moderation is key. I’ll still skip exercise some days. Rush essays. Go for two weeks without eating a vegetable. Infact I went out drinking just last night.

And how do I feel about all of this? Happy. A feeling I had learned to live without for so long.

And honestly, as selfish as it may sound, there is nothing more important than my own happiness. Especially not the “happiness” of the fabricated version of myself who’s life I was trying to live.