Is this how it feels to be depressed?

I have never been diagnosed with depression, but there is definitely something up with me. It’s gotten so much worse recently. I wish I would explain it.

Everything is shit today, and with no good reason. I almost wish something terrible would happen so I would have an excuse for moping around.

I had been feeling shitty for ages but decided to turn my life around, and things are finally looking hopeful. I thought this would be the end of the days spent crying in bed.

But when I woke up today I just knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. All I felt was sad and fat. The only escape being a quick snooze every few hours.

A friend invited me to go out for drinks tonight but I declined. She then asked if I’d rather get a chinese and sit in. I don’t know why, but I still didn’t want to and said no. Even though I really miss her and want to see her. It doesn’t make sense. I’m scared I will lose everyone I care about if I continue on this way but I just don’t feel like talking to anyone.

At 9 o’ clock this evening, I finally got out of bed and went for a shower. Whilst in the shower, I couldn’t get the temperature right. (our shower works fine). I couldn’t even stand in the cold and when I changed it to one setting warmer it scalded me so much I cried. There was a brief moment of relief during the transition from cold to hot, just tempting me as to what it should feel like.
At the minute this is how I feel about my life. I can’t strike a balance. It’s all or fucking nothing and I just feel like shit. Today I can’t even find the brief moment of relief. I just want to be numb. 

I thought getting dressed and going for a walk might help. But I looked so fat and physically disgusting in any outfit I tried on. I look at my stomach purging over my tracksuit bottoms. Surely I wasn’t this fat yesterday? I don’t think so. Maybe my perception is out of whack? Or am I just saying that to look for an excuse? 

I’m gonna go for the walk anyway. I can’t sit here crying any longer.